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| I don't like my life, I try to be positive but I just don't want to live sometimes, Please Help? My life is ok right now. I'm 22 years old and I just recently withdrew from this term but I do plan on starting up again in fall. My brain is a little wired wrong I guess. I try to be positive but things have happened to me that I can't get over. When I was a guy my dad beat me a lot. I mean really BEAT me. My family was strange and very vindictive. When I was very little someone took me in a field and burned me with cigarettes. I was told that my bio-mom did, but her boyfriend was there too and I repressed a lot of it is what the doctor said. My step-mom used to be mean, shes ok now. She hated me though. She would hit me and make me call myself a liar and a theif and she used to compare to a snake. I had a place at the dinner table and in the car. My dad would sometimes rip me out of bed and beat me senseless for little things I can't really remember When I was 11-13 I lived in this terrible trailor. Bugs would crawl on the ceiling and my dad was very angry. I used to piss my bed and my dad would rub my face in it and throw all the blankets at me. He would choke me and push me around. I had no friends and all I did was collect pop cans to buy video games. My dad got married to a women who hated me. I finally got kicked out when I was 14. I was on my own and ran across a lot of wierd people but it was ok, until my 15th birthday my dad came by and told me he was taking me out for my birthday and he took me to a mental institution instead and left me there. I couldn't leave for a long time. Between 15 and 18 I was on and off the streets and I was in and out of crappy foster homes and residential facilities and crazy places. When I was 18 the state threw my **** outside and stopped giving me random places to stay. 18-19 I moved to phoenix and I started doing a lot of bad stuff. I never did drugs but I started breaking in to cars and I robbed a store and I vandalised everything I could think of. at 19 I moved back to oregon and my life started to become a little different. I finally met up with my real mom and my sister. she was 16. The worst part is, is that me and my sister fell in love and were boyfriend and girlfriend for a year or so. I went crazy kinda. I loved her and she loved me and we couldn't stop if we wanted to, which we kinda did. I feel guilty to this day. My mom found a picture of me and her kissing and she basically did'nt change. Before we were we even like that she would call my sister a slut for hanging out with me, which is really bizarre. My life was really hectic after that and I think between 13 and 22 I moved about 60 times. Right now I have my own apartment and I guess I am ok. All I do is sell stuff online cause i can't manage to keep a job for ****. I am very argumentative, and I am socially awkward. I need help. I need inspiration. Lately I have been looking for good excuses to kill myself and I just want to blow my brains out sometimes. I have a lot of goals but I am losing focus on everything. I feel like my life is one pointless journey through one dismal venture to the next. I am actually pretty positive when I feel good (who isn't) but when I feel bad it is a whole other story. I have been beaten up alot. I remember one time my friend, when I was 18, started smashing my head in to a wall and just would'nt stop. I started crying, call me a pussy i guess, but I just kept thinking of my dad and I couldnt stop getting dizzy and seeing stars. I didnt even really hurt cause I felt numb. I just don't understand why I have to be the way I am. I feel pathetic. I mean, the only girl I have ever loved was my ******* sister... I really do want to die sometimes. I am only 22 but it seems so ******* tempting that I just can't stop really thinking about it. I just want my family and I want people to care and I want it to stop raining outside and I want to be rich and I want to not be inside my head for only one moment. If ANYBODY can please give me some useful feedback it would be releiving. I do have talents but i feel like they don't really matter. I can write amazing stories and I actually won an award one time. It was a story about this time I saw a drug addict drag a bloody peeled elk skin out of a dumpster. I actually saw that!!! I made a whole story about it LOL... But writing. WELLLLL... I just won't make a penny doing it. please help |
| 1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Sounds like you had a rough guyhood. I would start going to church and maybe bars. Also, if you want extra money, get into web design and programming. Starting a popular site and putting Google Ads on it could make you a living. |